See, this is what happens when your a drunken slut

When you are a drunken slut, all the time, you will just naturally align yourself into slutty, drunken positions, even when it is completely uncalled for. Take this lovely picture of me and my roommate Jordyn. I believe that, before the taking of this picture she simply said "who loves orange soda?" But placed it a little bit too low on her torso. Me, taking what I thought was my very obvious cue, fell to my knees and assumed the position. The awkward part? That's a two liter of sunkissed. It will take no pleasure in such an act. And poor Jordyn is not attached to this bottle, so she will find no pleasure in the act either. Overall, an awkward situation. But, being the good roommate she is, she feigned enjoyment for the picture. Afterwards, she most likely kicked me in the chest and said "Your not welcome in here with your dirty prostitute tricks" or something like that.

Walking—The Most Awkward Mode of Transportation

Life sucks when your fucking awkward. Just ask this guy....guys. How do they decide which way to walk?

I guess I should count my blessing that I was not effected by pollution mutation or whatever the fuck cause this natural catastrophe, but one thing I was not bleessed with was the ability to walk and enjoy it.

Why? I think I'm an okay walker—a bit on the slow side, kind of a shuffler, but I make it work. but for some reason I am always the one girl that walks on the exact same path as someone else, and it becomes like that weird mirror thing they do in movies—I move left to avoid them, but at the exact same moment they move left to avoid me. And the cycle continues until we, me and this stranger on campus, are literally standing still a half an inch away from each other, afraid to move in case the other person decides to. 

Also, I manage to see people all over campus that I once talked to all the time, during that first week of freshman year where if you had a pulse, we were friends, but I don't talk to anymore. And i always end up walking right next to them on some deserted path. Or we do the weird becoming-each-other's road block thing.

This would be more awkward if I was on a segway. BY FAR worst idea ever for transportation. Seriously, I am now 80 percent more likely to go to a mall and steal some shit just to see those cops try to catch me in their goddamn segways. Those things are fucking inefficient. And what if I get on an elscalator? Chase over, and I've got a brand new north face jacket, FO FREE!

haha jk. Like I would ever buy a goddamn north face jacket. I might as well hand a 100 dollar bill to the devil.

Daily Dose of Awkwardness

This is college. I am in a particularly large college, where they told us that it's a good possiblility that is you sleep with someone at a frat party on Saturday night, there is absolutely no chance in hell you will see them on Monday walking around. 

This is a lie. Because I promise you, if you have sex with a random ass frat guy, you dirty little slut, he WILL be in one of your lecture classes, and you will see him from across the room, and he will see you, and you will see him whisper to his friend, and that friend will point at you. And it will be awkward.

Especially if said hook-up went down during your crazy fall quarter. Especially if on this night, you were supposed to go to an "Anything for an A" themed party, and dressed for the occasion. Then, the party got rolled by the cops, so you had to haul your checkered skirt donning ass to another party—a Pirate party. And you went in and hooked up with a Pirate. And in order to bed him, you had this brilliant line. You asked "How many girls have you slept with?" and He replied "Nine." and you, you sexy little minx, you replied "Can I be your number ten?"

Because your a sinning slut and god hates you, this particular guy WILL show up in your lecture hall a quarter later. And its awkward.

Awkward Baby Picture!

Today I'll start you off with a little pick-me-up of awkwardness. Me as a child! Though I swear this is exactly what I look like after a rough night of drinking. Some things just never change!

Can you believe that THAT THING was the strongest sperm? That must have been one weak batch of sperm that night!

Good Job, Super Sperm!

Jordyn, the beauty in the picture below, brought up a point that made me feel great, but everyone around us feel awkward.

Her theory is that no one should ever feel depressed, or sad, or insignificant. Why? Because we are the strongest sperm!

Yes, you, reader, beat out millions of other sperm in a race to your mother's egg! there were sperm who swam backwards, sperm with two tails, sperm that didn't even make it IN, but YOU, you made it all the way to the end, and you took that egg and you zygoted all night long and now your here, super sperm!

So call your dad and thank him. Say "Thank you dad for not ejecting me down moms throat. Thank you for not using a condom. Thank you dad, for giving it all you got and getting me, super sperm, to the finish line!" 

So, to everyone we passed tonight, we yelled "aren't you happy? You are the strongest sperm!" Needless to say, they felt awkward, and slowly retreated back to their dorm rooms, locking the door. 

Every time you see a blank whiteboard, take out your trustee expo pen and write "This is a dorm room filled with only the best sperm! Be proud!"

So rejoice super sperm, for you are beautiful!

Props to Jordyn. She gets the double turtle today.

Daily Dose of Awkwardness

I had a pretty good, surprisingly not awkward day today, so I decided to humiliate two of my best friends. Here is the caption to this lovely picture we took a couple weeks ago after a couple of shots.

Me: Ok girls, make a face like you smell some piss!

As you can see, The blonde on the right, Erin, knows how it would feel to really smell some piss. Jordyn there, on the left, has a very different perception of the way piss smells. Making for one hell of an awkward picture. Way to go Jordyn! You get the turtle for today!

Uh.....hi.....

I feel sort of bad saying that this picture makes me feel really special in my no-no yes-yes place. I mean, why in god's name is Emile Hirsch just laying there, with his pants being ripped off his body but the tide, in like, the middle of the night? What was the picture even taken for? I dunno, but I'm kinda glad it came to me today.

Making Awkward Fucking Hot

Check out this beautiful beast! Allsion from America's Next Top Tyra...ehem, I mean Model. She made my heart thump for joy when this conversation went down.

Allison: I have hemophilia, I think nose bleeds are really beautiful.

Tyra: I used to get nose bleeds all the time as a little kid [side note: someone tell Tyra that NOBODY FUCKING CARES.]

Allison: Jealous!

Then Tyra made the craziest face! It was not fierce, it was awkward. Thank you Allison—the only real model ever to exist.

Tomorrow, make sure all your good thoughts go out to keeping her in ANTM.

Awkward Riddle!

What's the difference between the guy your blowing and the dentist?

One tells you to spit and one tells you to swallow!

.....

......

........

Ok, maybe that wasn't very funny.

Here's the actual riddle today:

What do the guy your blowing and your dentist have in common?

Think back to your last dentist visit. He probably was poking around in there and your just sort of laying there, staring at the clock, and then the dentist asks "So, Erinn, I here your at University of Washington now?"

and I want to respond "yes, you are correct!" but the problem is this douche bag has all this crap going on in my mouth, and it sort of comes out like "ya, yo wa fuaahh!" or something like that. And then the dentist asks "So, Erinn, how're you enjoying the rain?" And I just kinda give up and think I can't have small talk with you with that thing in my mouth ass hole!

Well, the same thing happens during a routine blow job. Your just doing your thing, hoping it won't take too long, and then they guy is like "how're you doing? you ok down there?" or something to that effect and again its like dude, how am I supposed to answer you. I can't even nod or shake my head right now. I realize as I'm writing this that any normal guy probably wouldn't make conversation during head.....FML.

Giving head gets the turtle for today

Awkward Animal of the Day....That's not a Turtle!

Look at this guy! This guy right here! Man, FHL (fuck HIS life). This guys not getting laid anytime soon. That's one big horned son of a bitch. If he had just ONE of those babies, he could have been considered a distant cousin of a unicorn. And if that doesn't get you some grade A happy california cow ass, I don't know what will. But TWO? God, help this ram! He's never going to get rammed with those things! This makes me feel a little better about myself today. You get the turtle for that one. Maybe even a double turtle. I am sorry, for evolution just hasn't been good to you. Luckily, your genes will most likely not pass.

Today in awkward celebrity news...

Oh god. No. Ashton Kutcher?? Sense when the hell is he not with that hella old Demi Moore? And Katherine Hagel? What is going on? 

Caption for this picture.

Katherine: Oh Ashton, I just love you in that where's my vehicle movie, can I touch your junk?

Ashton: Uh....

Katherine, it's NOT OKAY to go around touching EVERYONE'S privates just cause you got a kick out of their movie. You know Jack Nicholson would never go for that shit. He'd send those two creepy twins from The Shining on her ass. Ashton's taken, as far as I know. So don't do that. Plus, why are all celebrities together on boats groping? Boats are prime grope spots for them. They just love to grope out on the water. I don't get it, but I'll keep my eye out for that reoccuring motif.

Awkward High School Memories Time

See the above picture? See that thing in the middle, smiling awkwardly? That's me. And, as you can see, I am stuck between two snapshots of perfect love. Yes, I was the only one in my limo without a date. And these two bitches just looovvveees to put me in the middle of their perfection. For their own entertainment, no doubt. Awkward.

Here were my thoughts on Junior Prom. I say they are sufficient enough to get the turtle for today.

"Who made it a rule that, no matter how little you've talked to someone, no matter how distant of an aquaintence they are, and no matter how horrible and cheesy this distant aquaintence from freshman geometry class looks, you must hug them and talk to them like you're the best of friends reunited for the first time. And on that note, you are also obligated to hug everyone. EVERYONE. Even someone who you've never touched in your life and never planned on touching. 

So, your hugging and touching this freshman geometry class three-seats-down person and after all the "ohmigod you look sooooo CUTE!" and "Where's your date?" it gets really really awkward. You know why? Because the prom fairy dust wears off and you realize shit, I don't even fucking KNOW this person. So what do you say? "Ohhh my eyelashes are falling out. I gotta haul ass to the ladies room before the electric slide comes on. LATE!" Then you see the EXACT same person later during "Miss New Booty" and suddenly your grinding on them, and their date, and anyone else unfortunate enough to fall into your path of unstoppable prom enthusiasm. 

Then you see this person on Monday at school, and you have to wave, even though your ashamed of your irrational behavior,  because on Saturday you and this person were best friends. Prom does these things to people."

Rest in Peace high school.

Daily Dose of Awkwardness

Our awkward occurence today stems from the arrival of spring here in Seattle. Today it is 70 degrees and sunny, a normal forecast for my hometown in southern California, but quite an unusual one here.

You can tell a native Washingtonian by the way they react to this rare contact with vitamin D. Even though anyone who looks outside can see that the sun is in fact beaming down on us, and God has smiled upon Seattle today, but no. The native Washingtonians refuse to put down there GODDAMN NORTH FACE JACKETS! But they don't wear them, they carry them in their hands, or I see it sticking out of their goddamn North Face back packs (next to their Kleen Kanteen water bottles and baby piles of compost they probably have in there). They stand there, in red square, sort of ambling and squinting, not really sure how to react. They bump into one another, saying excuse me and sorry and sometimes commenting on how the mountain is out. Maybe the Washingtonians should take a hint from Mt. Rainer—he's out and about, but you don't see him carrying his goddamn North Face jacket in his hands! He knows what's up.

Also, I haven't seen one hipster today. They probably melt in the sun, wicked witch of the west style. When its sunny, there's less to brut about. And an iced latte is way less indie than an extra hot double shot espresso. They probably can't stand walking around and seeing caramel frapps from starbucks, AKA the reason why everything is wrong with the world, the coffee shop of haters, mass consumers and republicans. 

So, the conclusion for today? Washingtonians+the sun+their goddamn north faces=really freakin awkward

FML

I always try to get my stories on fmylife.com, but it either has too many letters or the bored people of the world who moderate it do not deem them quite fucked up enough and hit the big "no" button when they happen across my anecdote.

So, this will be dedicated to the every day FML's that deserve  little bit of recognition. Because I don't think life is sad or short or hard, I just think it's really fucking awkward.